Wednesday, September 28, 2005

a medical revelation

i came across this laugher of inadvertent self-diagnosis in the trib the other day:

Corey Patterson had another adventurous day, falling on the wet warning track in the seventh to turn a Morgan Ensberg fly into an RBI triple, right before the deluge. Nomar Garciaparra made a defensive gaffe when the game resumed.

Baker said the poor defense is not a sign of end-of-the-season blahs.

"You have to play," he said. "You're getting paid to play. They're playing hard, but Corey fell down. … We just played bad defense."

The Cubs are considering asking Patterson to see a sports psychologist to help him relax and concentrate better. Baker said "nothing has been set" and he hasn't spoken to Patterson to see if he's even amenable to the idea.

"Everyone is looking for answers and clues," Baker said.

Baker knows the subject will bring derision by some, though he said he's "not opposed" to such alternative measures to help players.

"I'm open-minded with stuff like that, actually, because I was probably one of the first guys who took some relaxation courses in Venezuela in 1974," Baker said. "I even got hypnotized in '78. I was having trouble concentrating. … So, no, I'm very open to a lot of stuff."

dusty -- you have a history of trouble paying attention for short spans of time? you have had difficulty focusing on events as they happen? you find it hard to muster the discipline to analyze and solve problems? and often suffer for thinking on your feet and being consistent? why, i can't tell you how shocked, utterly shocked i am! my apologies -- all this time i thought you were simply stupid and a charlatan. turns out that you're a sick, sick man. here, nurse -- get this poor wretch a prescription for ritalin, stat!

it surely explains his recent fealty to the klown, who continues to get at-bats for god-knows-what reason. birds of a feather, and all that.

unless k-pat actually is just stupid, of course. or an idiot savant. different feathers, then....

just when i was recovering from the giggling that ensued upon hearing that the cubs still dream that a shrink can make the klown a respectable baseball player, they hit me with the cub chieftan's untreated (unless you count venezuelan hypnosis) attention-deficit disorder. you can't make this stuff up, people. that dusty! he should book some gigs at zanies. that's talent, folks -- it's all in the timing.

anyway, remember what this page has said -- if patterson, shrunk or unshrunk, is on the 25-man roster on opening day 2006, you should become a fan of something, really anything else. unless you're a masochist, of course. then you might find 2006 at wrigley pleasurable in the same way you found the abu ghraib photos pleasurable. and as much might be said for the continued presence of dusty at the helm.

demand change with your wallets, cub fans, for that's the only way you'll ever see it.

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