Classic 1060west: A Christmas Carol

HAPPY HOLIDAY's

Below is a Holiday episode of 1060west. This was written following the 2000 season when the Cubs were pursuing Mike Hampton and Mark Grace was heading to the desert to sign with the D-backs.
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Christmas Carol Episode

of 1060 West

Cast of Characters:

Ebenezer Scrooge - Andy McFail
Marley’s Ghost – Harry Carray
Bob Crachit - Ed Lynch
Tiny Tim - Chip Carray
Ghost(s) of Christmas Past - 1908 Cubs
Ghost(s)of Christmas Present - Cindy Sandberg
Ghost of Christmas Future - Hee Seop Choi
Scrooge's Nephew - Mark Grace

SCENE 1:
X-mas Eve night. MacFail sits in his office at 1060 West Addison looking at the waiver wires. A loud Booom in background. MacFail leans over and sips his Starbucks. A loud boom again. MacFail gets up and walks over to the window. There stands a drunk Mark Grace and Brian McRae throwing snowballs at MacFail's window. MacFail opens the windows.

MACFAIL: Would you boys stop it. I'm trying to work.

GRACIE: (can barely stand) C'mon Andy come down to Toons with us for some holiday cheer.

MACFAIL: I don't have time for Holiday Cheer. I must rebuild this mess we call a baseball team.

GRACIE & B-MAC: (together) C'mon Andy! It's Christmas.

MACFAIL: (yelling) I don't have time.

Suddenly a snowball hits MacFail in the face and onto the scene runs a drunk Jamie Navarro.

NAVARRO: Merry X-Mas everyone. Hey Gracie where are we going?

GRACIE: We're going to Toons man, but Andy won't come.

MACFAIL: I have to get back to work. (slamming the window shut.)

MacFail takes a big swig of Starbucks and walks back to his chair.

MACFAIL: (too himself) Christmas, who the hell has time for Christmas...I'm trying to build a baseball team! (MacFail drifts off into sleep...)



SCENE 2:
McFail sleeping in his chair dead to the world. In the background, the loud boom starts again. This time, the sound grows louder and louder as if it's coming from the other side of the office door

BOOM!

McFail: What the...

BOOM!

McFail: Gracie, that's it. I'm trading you to San Francisco for Bill Mueller!!!

Voice on other side of the door: Yooou Caan't trade him, he's a free agent.

McFail:(to himself) He is? (to the door) Who's there?

Voice: Aaaannndy, we used to go to my restaurant and do the word jumble. Then I'd spell it backwards

McFail: Harry? (Door swings open)

Harry: Aaandy, you can't limit Budweiser sales to two per person. Yooou know that I'm a Cub fan and a Bud man.

McFail: Harry, I didn't think I'd ever be visited by your ghost. (to himself) Actually I figured it would be Brick haunting me for that stupid tribute to him on the foul poles.

Harry: Andy, I'mm here to tell you that because you've continued the mediocrity of the Cubs, you'll be visited by three spirits. Oh yeah, let me tell you, spirits. I remember when I used to go to Jilly's for sweeet, sweet, cocktails. And Stony would go for the sweet, sweet busboys. Oh boy, there was...

McFail: Harry!?

Harry: Sorry Andy, like I said before you'll be visited by three spirits tonight, the first at midnight. Andy, did you really bring in Ricky Guterrez?

McFail: Yes Harry

Harry: I could never say that name. Remember Aaandy, midnight. Three spirits. Oh spirits. I'm off to haunt Jilly's, bye Andy. (door closes)




SCENE 3:
Midnight. The clock begins to sound off. McFail is dozing in his chair and a dim light can be seen from underneath the door. The light grows brighter and noises outside the door grow louder. McFail suddenly wakes up.

McFail: Who’s out there? (to himself) I must have been dreaming. That was the strangest though, Harry talking about going to Jilly’s and doing the Jumble. Who would have thought.

(Noise growing louder and the light now starting to fill the entire room)

McFail: I bet its Grace and Navarro again with a spotlight. (yelling) Laugh it up guys, especially you Gracie, when I don’t offer you salary arbitration. And Navarro, I’ll have you black balled from the league during winter meetings. You won’t even be able to get a job cleaning jockstraps.

(The noise stops and the light disappears. McFail rises from his chair and goes to the door. He opens it a crack and sees an object traveling fast toward his head. He pushes the door shut and ducks as a baseball goes through. Laughter can be heard in the distance)

McFail: Gracie! Navarro! That’s it!!

Voices: SILENCE YOU IDIOT!!!

McFail: Who are you? Ben Christensen? I told you we’d clear that matter up.

Voices: YOU HAVE RUINED OUR LEGACY AND NOW YOU WILL PAY!!!

McFail: (whining) Who are you? Please tell me. I’m sorry.

Voices: We’re the 1908 World Series Champions

(The room begins to fog and McFail is transported to October 14, 1908 in Detroit. The Cub players have swarmed the mound and are congratulating each other.)

Voices: Look at the scoreboard. What does it say?

McFail: Cubs 2 Tigers 0

Voices: When was the last time the Cubs played an American League team with that result?

McFail: Well, last year. We beat the Royals 2-1 in July.

Voices: (confused) Who are the Royals?

McFail: The Kansas City Royals.

Voices: There’s a baseball team in Kansas City? And you play them in July?

McFail: Oh yeah, we play between the leagues during the regular season. There’s even baseball in Florida and Minnesota

Voices (even more confused): Minnesota???

McFail: Oh yes. I won a World Series there. You know I’m a third generation baseball czar.

Voices: (to themselves) Let’s get the hell out of here. This guy’s hopeless. (to McFail) Is there anywhere we can drop you? We’re going back.

McFail: Take me back to the office. I need to see if I can trade Joe Girardi for Mark Wohlers.




SCENE 4:
MacFail is back in his office looking at thewaiver wire. Suddenly there’s a light tap on the door.Macfail ignores. Again a light tap on the door.

MACFAIL: (scared) Jim is that you? Again there is a tap on the door.

MACFAIL: (upset) C’mon Hendry get in here.

The door swings open and suddenly there’s a young ladystanding in the doorway that looks like CindySandberg, corn-cob dress and all.

MACFAIL: Wait a minute I’ve heard about you. Keep in mind I’m a happily married man.

CINDY SANDBERG: I’m not here for that. I could go to any bar in Wrigleyville and find a better prospect than you.

MACFAIL: I’ll have you know…

CINDY: Silence Andy! I’m not here for that. I’m gonna show you what everyone’s doing this X-mas Eve.

MACFAIL: What are you talking about. I don’t have time. Mickey Morandini might clear waivers any minute now.

CINDY: (Lifting her skirt to show some leg) C’mon Andy follow me.

MACFAIL: Okay.

They walked through the door and they are on a golfcourse in Arizona.

MACFAIL: Where are we?

Suddenly to the right is Ed Lynch & Ken Kravec playing golf and laughing.

LYNCH: Ahhh Kenny it’s days like today when I miss Chicago!

KRAVEC: Yeah and the 18 inches of snow.

MACFAIL: It’s Eddie and Kenny why the hell aren’t they scouting players?

CINDY: What do you think they do with most of the time out here.

MACFAIL: (pissed) Kenny, I’d expect this from you but Ed…

CINDY: (Interrupting) It’s pointless they can’t hear you.

LYNCH: (to Kravec) Whatta ya’ think Andy’s up to now?

KRAVEC: I’m sure he’s looking for a utility infielder…

LYNCH: I wonder who’s making his coffee?

MACFAIL: Alright! Ed…

CINDY: (interrupting again) Time to move on.

Cindy leads Macfail into a bathroom on the course…

MACFAIL: Cindy I told you I’m a married man.

Suddenly they find themselves at Toons inWrigleyville. It is a smokey & crowded bar night and we see the three ex-Cubs at the bar drinking cocktails. McRae & Navarro have big Cigars and Gracie’s smoking a cigarette.

NAVARRO: Hey, Gracie I bet you’re glad to be outta here.

GRACIE: Well Jamie I’ll miss the fans but the management of this team… Well you guys know it will never… (glancing around at a table of young ladies)Man check out the talent over at that table.

MC RAE: Damn Gracie, that’s some good stuff. You still got the eye.

MACFAIL: (Yelling) What Grace? Management will neverwhat? (Pissed) I didn’t see you picking this team…

CINDY: Andy they can’t hear you.

MACFAIL: Why are they complaining about me?

CINDY: I don’t know. Do you wanna go?

MACFAIL: (excited) I told you. I’m married.

CINDY: (frustrated) Alright. A puff of smoke permeates throughout the bar. When the smoke clears MacFail is all alone in his office.



SCENE 5:
McFail sits in his office sleeping fitfully on his desk when the door bursts open. The clock is ringing 2AM. Two hooded figures walk into the office...

McFail: Whose there? (The figures walk forward. One turns to the other and mumbles something unintelligible.)

McFail: Are you the ghost of Cubs future? I thought there was only one of you?

(Suddenly the ghosts pull back their hood the reveal Hee Seop Choi and his interpreter)

McFail: Hee Seop, what are you doing here?

Hee Seop: (speaks Korean the interpreter)

Interpreter: I am here to show you the Cubs in the future if you don't change the error of your ways. Let us go.

(The room suddenly gets foggy and the trio is transported to a broadcast booth in an unfamiliar stadium. The broadcaster speaks..)

Broadcaster: Welcome to Opening Day 2015 at Beautiful Harry Caray Tribune Park on the lovely Chicago River. I'm Chip Caray, and this is my partner in the booth Mark Grace.

Gracie: Chip, how's it going today? It's a beautiful day for baseball.

Chip: It certainly is Gracie. Let's look at the starting pitching today as the Cubs face the four-time defending World Champion Colorado Rockies. The Cubs will be facing their long time nemisis Rueben "the Tornado" Quevedo against Kevin Tapani. You gotta love the way Taps held up after 17 major reconstructive arm surgeries...

McFail: Rueben Quevedo? How did he get traded to Colorado?

Hee Seop: (Speaks in Korean)

Interpreter: You traded him. For a power hitting third baseman.

McFail: So what happened?

Hee Seop: (Speaks in Korean)

Interpreter: He became the second ex-Cub to win four Cy Young awards. And the first to win four World Series.

McFail: But the Cubs had to have gotten better, right? I mean we're finally in a new stadium.

Hee Seop: (Speaks in Korean)

Interpreter: Just listen and you'll see.

Chip: Well, the Cubs gave it all they had, but they have fallen short in the home opener to the defending champs 11-2. What's your take on the game Gracie?

Grace: They suck. I'm going to Porcaro's Steak house for a beer. Coming?

McFail: How could this happen to my beloved team? How?

Interpreter: Because of your arrogance the team overpaid on bad free agents forcing the Tribune to abandon Wrigley and build a new stadium. The new stadium didn't bring in the expected crowds and you were fired a year later.

McFail: Well what happened to me?

(The room fogs up again and we find ourselves at a minor league game in Butscratch, Mississippi)

McFail: Nooooo!!!! It can't be.

(An old McFail walks with a cup opf coffee to a man whose back is to him)

Old McFail: Coffee sir?

(Man turns around. Its Ed Lynch)

Ed: Good job Andy, you sure make a good cup of joe.

(McFail slumps down crying)

McFail: It can’t be true, it can’t be true…



SCENE 6:
McFail is mumbling to himself back in his office at his desk…

McFail: It can’t be true. It can’t be true. (wakes up) My god, what the hell happened? That was the strangest night I’ve had since I got rid of Terry Mullholland and Jose Hernandez for Micah Bowie and Ruben …

(rushes to the window and flings it open. Scanning below, he sees someone approaching wearing a Cubs uniform)

McFail: (to the figure) Hey, you down there what day is it?

Figure Below: Christmas, woo. Day, woo. Christmas, woo. Day, woo. (continues on)

McFail: Ronnie Woo! (to himself) I’m not too late, I can change the future. (to Ronnie) Ronnie, go to the Jewel and grab the biggest case of Old Style you can find.

Ronnie: Old Style, woo. Never pay, woo. Wax cups, woo.

McFail: Yes, wax cups Ronnie. Get that case, and some Vienna Beef hotdogs. We need to get these to Mike Hampton to show him we’re really interested in signing him.

Ronnie: Too late, woo. Signed, woo. Colorado, woo.

McFail: Well, it’s back to the waiver wire. I can’t let this team build a new stadium.

THE END!
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Merry Christmas Cub fans! Here's hoping 2005 is the "Next Year" we have been waiting our lifetimes for.